Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader’s question about a problem, big or small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.
Don’t want to miss a single column?Sign up to get “Dear Therapist” in your inbox.
Dear Therapist,
My younger brother and I are both in our 50s. He met his wife about 16 years ago, and they got married in 2014. This is her third marriage, my brother’s first. They have one child together, who’s 13, and his wife also has three other children, each from a different earlier relationship.
From the beginning, their relationship has been beset with problems. She accuses him of cheating on her, wanting to cheat on her, looking at other women, and lusting after other women on television, in restaurants, and when out walking the dogs. Things will be fine for a while and then the whole thing starts back up again. Over the course of this relationship, he has given up his hobbies and fallen out of contact with his longtime friends, and seems allowed to do things only with her and her family. I have watched as my brother has changed from a healthy and happy man to a shell of his former self.
Every time she gets upset, he has to jump through more hoops, make bigger gestures, and flagellate himself more until she relents and stops punishing him. He has come to my house twice in the past year and stayed, because she told him she wanted him to leave. I have continually emphasized to him the importance of seeking professional counseling but he says she refuses to consider it, because the problems all come down to him and his (alleged) wandering eye. My brother is a kind, gentle, considerate man, and this hurts him deeply.
I fear that my brother is the victim in an abusive marriage, and I don’t know how best to support him. I have told him repeatedly that he always has a home here and he can move in and stay for as long as he wants. I have also reassured him that his daughter wouldn’t be the only one in her friend group with parents who have decided to split up.
I care about him very much and want him to be healthy, safe, and happy. Our mom and I both worry that his wife will end up breaking him to the point that he would harm himself. How can I help him?
Dear Reader,
Your letter paints a troubling picture of your brother’s marriage, so I understand why you’re so concerned about his well-being. The situation you describe is indeed alarming, as it bears many hallmarks of emotional abuse: the constant accusations, the isolation from friends and family, the gradual erosion of your brother’s sense of self, and the cyclical nature of conflict and reconciliation, also known as “the cycle of abuse.”
In this cycle, things are calm for a time, but never for long. The tension builds and builds until there’s an explosion, followed by another period of calm, of promises, of temporary peace. Each time, the price of peace becomes higher. Your brother must make bigger gestures, offer greater sacrifices, diminish himself even further. This is painful to witness, especially when it involves someone you love.
Clearly you care deeply for your brother, and your desire to help him end this suffering comes from a loving and compassionate place. But I want to tell you something that might be hard to hear: You can’t save your brother from this relationship.
This doesn’t mean, however, that you’re powerless to help—far from it. But it does mean that you need to reframe how you think about your role. Once you accept that no matter how much you want to rescue him, your brother is the only one who can decide to change his situation, you’ll be able to support him much more effectively.
[Read: The longest relationships of our lives]
So what is your role? First, you need to understand his situation better so you can appreciate what he’s up against. Start by educating yourself about his experience so that you can understand why he engages in behaviors that seem baffling to you—such as his tolerance of his wife’s behavior and repeated begging for forgiveness for crimes he didn’t commit. You might feel that what he should do here is obvious: He’s in an unhealthy relationship and should get out. But bear in mind that abusive relationships frequently create a warped reality for the person being abused. Your brother has likely internalized many of his wife’s criticisms and may believe he truly is to blame for the problems in their marriage. This warped view makes leaving incredibly difficult for victims.
Think of it this way: Your brother and his wife are locked into a dance where the music of their relationship has become a monotonous dirge of accusation and defense. The steps go like this: His wife searches constantly for evidence of betrayal. Every glance becomes a crime; every interaction becomes a transgression. And your brother? He hears the music of confusion, self-doubt, shame. So he does his part of the dance: constantly attempting (and failing) to prove his innocence. Unfortunately for him, he’s trying to prove a negative—how do you show someone the absence of something? How do you demonstrate faithfulness to someone who has decided that you are unfaithful?
What makes this dance hard for you to watch is that the qualities you admire in your brother and that could make him a wonderful partner to a different person—his kindness, consideration, gentleness—have become the very things that his partner is using to manipulate him. The more he accommodates, the more his wife demands of him.
You say that this dynamic has been present since their relationship’s beginning, so instead of trying to convince your brother that his partner is mistreating him, you might get curious—and help him get curious—about what has drawn him to such a partnership in the first place. She seems to have come into this relationship with a history of relational instability—three children from three different relationships, prior to a fourth child with him. If she didn’t work through the issues that led to those relationships ending, she entered this current relationship with a suitcase full of previous betrayals (perceived or real), abandonment fears, and unhealthy communication patterns. But instead of unpacking this suitcase, she handed it to your brother and said, “You carry this. You are responsible for all of it.”
[Read: Couples therapy, but for siblings]
At the same time, your brother came into this relationship with his own suitcase. You say that he and his wife dated for six years before marrying, and even after having a child together they waited another three years to get married. I wonder if part of him had doubts about whether he wanted to be in this relationship, and another part of him preferred the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty. What in his own history led him to make that choice, to confuse controlling behavior with evidence of being needed, or to decide that the relationship he had—with all of its intense volatility—was “safer” to stay in than to leave so he could find something else?
Another way to support him is to encourage his curiosity. Your instinct might be to focus on his wife’s behavior, but a more helpful role is to provide a safe space for him to explore his own. Instead of saying “Your wife is abusive and you need to leave,” you can try “I’ve noticed that you seem unhappy this week. How are you feeling about things at home?” You can also gently challenge the narrative that he has internalized. When he blames himself for their problems, you might say something like “That doesn’t sound like the brother I know. The person I know is kind and loyal. I wonder if there’s another way to look at this situation?”
Whenever possible, you can float questions (not all at the same time) that help him reflect: “Do you ever feel lonely?” “Have you seen so-and-so lately?” “Do you miss doing (insert favorite activity)?” “What would be different if you weren’t worried about her reaction?” After another fight that ends with him at your house, rather than suggesting couples therapy, you might say, “Maybe you’d find it helpful to talk with a therapist on your own, even for just one session.” If he worries about his daughter, you might ask, again with gentle curiosity, “What do you imagine she’s learning about self-worth or loving relationships as she observes the two of you staying together?” He may not be able to answer these questions aloud, but you’d be helping him begin to consider an alternative narrative to the one he is carrying around. Just as important, you wouldn’t be trying to control him with what you want him to do and think, as his wife is—you’d be allowing him to go inside himself and access his own thoughts, feelings, and desires, which is a crucial step in a process that includes questioning, awareness, and finally, if he chooses, action.
As you open up this space for him, remember that just as your brother is overly focused on his wife’s unhappiness, you don’t want to be overly focused on his. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally exhausting and shouldn’t come at the expense of seeking support (such as therapy) for yourself. Your brother is fortunate to have such a caring sibling, but if you want to model healthy boundaries in a relationship, make sure you’re taking good care of yourself too.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
theatlantic.com